Facebook

Login

Support Sailonline

If you haven't already - join the SAILONLINE YACHT CLUB!

Please also consider making a donation - all amounts are greatly appreciated!

Board » General Discussion » The Modern Navy

Posted by
Rod


Users avatar

Posts
392
Registered at
2010-06-24 22:30:48
2013-07-18 19:13:56 - The Modern Navy
Nelson at Trafalgar.


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."


Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry Sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's
sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."


Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."


Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."


Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."


Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"


Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."




If it breaks, it's not strong enough--if it doesn't, it's too heavy.
Posted by
LaoziSailor (Han Tacoma-Emons)


Users avatar

Posts
52
Registered at
2011-11-10 00:57:48
2013-07-19 14:01:01 - Re: The Modern Navy
Brilliant!, I've shared it on my FB timeline giving you credit in the form "Tx R."
LaoziSailor

Everything gets done by not doing anything!
Posted by
Sebensa


Users avatar

Posts
70
Registered at
2010-10-06 14:50:36
2013-07-19 18:15:24 - Re: The Modern Navy
Rod! what can I say :-)

Please login to post a reply.

Races

Next Race: 00d 00h 00m

Current Races:

Cross the Convergence 2026 - Guam to Ouvéa


The third race of our series of ocean voyages across the World’s convergence zones takes us southeastward now down the Pacific, from Guam’s Apra Harbour at 13.5 degrees North, back across the Equator to the glorious New Caledonian resort island of Ouvéa, on the edge of the Tropic of Capricorn at 20.5 degrees South. It’s 2400nm, and there’s more than a few other islands in the way, so mind where you go in your Ocean 50s. Race #1981
INFOby brainaid.de
Ocean 50PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: CCZ - SYC
Race starts: Mar 20th 18:00 Registration Open!
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Lake Victoria TIMED Race 2026

This month’s TIMED race takes us inland to Lake Victoria in the heart of Africa. Starting at Rosebery Channel in Uganda sail the AC72v2 on a 196nm course around Bugala Island on the way to the finish line in Tanzania’s Speke Gulf. This is a TIMEDrace so you may RE-REGISTER HEREto try again after finishing a run. You will have 13 days and 11 hours to test your skill and decision making after the race opens.
Race #2018
INFOby brainaid.de
AC72v2 Particulars
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking:
TRQ1 - TRCH - SYC
RACE CLOSE: Saturday,
28 March at 23:00 UTC
Race starts: Mar 15th 12:00 Registration Open!
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

SSANZ Round North Island Race 2026 - Leg 4

The final challenge awaits in Leg Four of the Round North Island Series! From Napier, the fleet sets off on a 354 nautical mile run back to Auckland, completing the full circumnavigation where the journey began. Fatigue may be setting in, but this last leg could decide the overall standings. Sailing the fast and responsive Sun Fast 3600, our skippers will need sharp tactics and steady focus to finish the series strong and claim victory!

The start time for this race may change at short notice to align with the real race. The confirmed start date and time will be announced via an in-race “L” flag message — Please monitor race communications closely.
Race #2014
INFO by brainaid.de
Sun Fast 3600 PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: RNI - SUPBUD - SYC
RACE CLOSE: Friday,
March 20 at 2300 UTC.
Race starts: Mar 12th 22:00 Registration Closed
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Iceland to the Falklands 2026

Welcome to an all-new route, the first of three Round the 'Old World' of Europe, Africa, Australia and Asia. To give each leg of the ROW a bit of length we'll try to hug the coasts as little as possible, so starting in Iceland our first leg of the series, which will also be the final leg of our Quarter 1 Ocean Championships takes us 7200nm to the Falklands, the full length of the Atlantic end to end. To make sure we'll get it done within the month we'll be sailing our Maxi Trimaran.
Race #2010
INFO by brainaid.de
Maxi Trimaran PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: OCQ1 - ROW - OCCH - SYC
RACE CLOSE: Tuesday,
March 24 at 2300 UTC.
Race starts: Mar 02nd 11:00 Registration Closed
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Go to race archive

SYC Ranking

  1. Sailonline Yacht Club Member KaSToR
  2. Sailonline Yacht Club Member WRmirekd
  3. Sailonline Yacht Club Member rafa
  4. Sailonline Yacht Club Member rumskib
  5. Sailonline Yacht Club Member Sax747
  6. Sailonline Yacht Club Member CriticalHippo
  7. Sailonline Yacht Club Member vida
  8. Sailonline Yacht Club Member CollegeFund
  9. Sailonline Yacht Club Member Panpyc
  10. Sailonline Yacht Club Member sassy63

View full list

Series

Mobile Client

SYC members have the benefit of access to our mobile/lightweight web client!

The mobile client