Facebook

Login

Support Sailonline

If you haven't already - join the SAILONLINE YACHT CLUB!

Please also consider making a donation - all amounts are greatly appreciated!

Board » General Discussion » The Modern Navy

Posted by
Rod


Users avatar

Posts
392
Registered at
2010-06-24 22:30:48
2013-07-18 19:13:56 - The Modern Navy
Nelson at Trafalgar.


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."


Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry Sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's
sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."


Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."


Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."


Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."


Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"


Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."




If it breaks, it's not strong enough--if it doesn't, it's too heavy.
Posted by
LaoziSailor (Han Tacoma-Emons)


Users avatar

Posts
52
Registered at
2011-11-10 00:57:48
2013-07-19 14:01:01 - Re: The Modern Navy
Brilliant!, I've shared it on my FB timeline giving you credit in the form "Tx R."
LaoziSailor

Everything gets done by not doing anything!
Posted by
Sebensa


Users avatar

Posts
70
Registered at
2010-10-06 14:50:36
2013-07-19 18:15:24 - Re: The Modern Navy
Rod! what can I say :-)

Please login to post a reply.

Races

Next Race: 00d 00h 00m

Current Races:

Newport to Annapolis 2025


The Newport to Annapolis race, first held in 1947, is one of the most historic and well-known US East Coast blue water races. Linking two seaports dating from the US nation's birth, Annapolis and Newport, the race contrasts the country's largest estuary, the Chesapeake Bay, and the Atlantic Ocean. Since 1969, the route has run from Annapolis through the Chesapeake Bay to Newport. The SOLers will sail 470nm in their Carkeek40s in the original direction from Newport to Annapolis, including the Chesapeake, which is such a daunting challenge that the 1997–98 Whitbread Round the World Race for the Volvo Trophy added it to the course, as did the Volvo Ocean Race in 2002 and 2006.
Race #1912
INFO from brainaid.de
Carkeek 40 PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0245 / 0845 / 1445 / 2045
Ranking:
ARQ2 - ARCH - SUPSOL – SYC
Race starts: May 12th 17:00 Registration Open!
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Channel Islands TIMED Chase 2025

Join us in Saint Peter Port, Guernsey for a race around the Channel Islands in the J-109, a recent addition to the Sailonline fleet. The course takes us around the islands of Alderney and Jersey finishing back in Saint Peter Port. This is a TIMED race, so you may RE-REGISTER HERE to try again, after finishing a run. You will have 13 days and 11 hours to test your skill and decision making after the race opens.
Race #1915
INFO by brainaid.de
J-109 PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking:
TRQ2 - TRCH - SUPSOL - SYC
RACE CLOSE: Saturday,
24 May at 23:00 UTC
Race starts: May 11th 12:00 Registration will open soon
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Elephant Island to Marquesas 2025

Prepare to test your limits as we launch into the third leg of the RWW Series and the fifth leg of the 2025 Ocean Championship Series—an epic voyage from Elephant Island to the Marquesas in the heart of French Polynesia. This 4,700-nautical-mile challenge is a true test of endurance, strategy, and raw sailing adrenaline. Aboard the high-performance Volvo 70v4, competitors will face fierce headwinds as they round the legendary Cape Horn and make the thrilling transition from the Atlantic to the Pacific. Do you have what it takes to conquer the Pacific? Join us, and put your skills to the ultimate test.
PRIZE: SMPF
Race #1909
INFO by brainaid.de
VO70_v4 PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: OCQ2 - RWW - OCCH - SUPSOL - SYC
Race starts: May 05th 11:00 Registration Open!
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Transat à Deux 2025

Above you see a single-handed sailor semi-foiling his Beneteau Figaro III to the horizon. It is in fact Ireland’s Sailor of the Year and the overall winner of last year’s Solitaire du Figaro, Tom Dolan. Somehow, we got our hands on a polar for the Class, and rather than trying to surreptitiously track Tom and his mates in the 2025 edition of the Solitaire, sailing rather-short, single-handed legs across the Celtic Sea and Biscay, we thought we’d see how our virtual craft would fare on the Class’s double-handed 3900nm Trans-Atlantic, from somewhere in Brittanny to somewhere in the Caribbean via somewhere in the Canaries. Allez, mes braves!
Race #1901
INFOby brainaid.de
Figaro III foil PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: SYC
RACE CLOSE: Thursday,
May 15 at 2300 UTC.
Race starts: Apr 20th 11:00 Registration Closed
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Sinbad by Balloon 2025 - Toamasina to Baia de l'Oiseau


You may recall that when last we visited Madagascar in the company of Sinbad, the Sultan commanded our intrepid inspirator to seek out fabled islands where in Summer the sun barely set. We did and we returned but the Sultan wasn’t happy with Sinbad’s report, so here we go again, now by SOL Balloon instead of sailing vessel. Expect to be in the air for at least 2100nm and depending on how the wind brings us, anything between two weeks and two months before we shall descend at the Sultan’s given coordinates!
Race #1884
INFOby brainaid.de
SOL Balloon PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: SYC - SBB
RACE CLOSE: Sunday,
May 18 at 2300 UTC.
Race starts: Apr 09th 11:00 Registration Closed
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Go to race archive

SYC Ranking

  1. Sailonline Yacht Club Member WRmirekd
  2. Sailonline Yacht Club Member Patrick70119
  3. Sailonline Yacht Club Member CriticalHippo
  4. Sailonline Yacht Club Member KaSToR
  5. Sailonline Yacht Club Member FreyjaUSA
  6. Sailonline Yacht Club Member rafa
  7. Sailonline Yacht Club Member Kipper1258
  8. Sailonline Yacht Club Member vida
  9. Sailonline Yacht Club Member bonknhoot
  10. Sailonline Yacht Club Member rumskib

View full list

Series

Mobile Client

SYC members have the benefit of access to our mobile/lightweight web client!

The mobile client