Facebook

Login

Support Sailonline

If you haven't already - join the SAILONLINE YACHT CLUB!

Please also consider making a donation - all amounts are greatly appreciated!

Board » General Discussion » The Modern Navy

Posted by
Rod


Users avatar

Posts
392
Registered at
2010-06-24 22:30:48
2013-07-18 19:13:56 - The Modern Navy
Nelson at Trafalgar.


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."


Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry Sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's
sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."


Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."


Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."


Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."


Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"


Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."




If it breaks, it's not strong enough--if it doesn't, it's too heavy.
Posted by
LaoziSailor (Han Tacoma-Emons)


Users avatar

Posts
52
Registered at
2011-11-10 00:57:48
2013-07-19 14:01:01 - Re: The Modern Navy
Brilliant!, I've shared it on my FB timeline giving you credit in the form "Tx R."
LaoziSailor

Everything gets done by not doing anything!
Posted by
Sebensa


Users avatar

Posts
70
Registered at
2010-10-06 14:50:36
2013-07-19 18:15:24 - Re: The Modern Navy
Rod! what can I say :-)

Please login to post a reply.

Races

Next Race: 00d 00h 00m

Current Races:

Africa by Sea 2025 - Suez to Port Said


When Napoleon (briefly) occupied Egypt at the turn to the 19th C, he ordered his expedition’s Directeur des Ponts et Chaussées, Jacques-Marie Le Père, to evaluate the ancient, derelict, infilled course of a Ptolemaic canal connecting the Red Sea to the Nile via the Great Bitter Lake, versus a new canal to the Mediterranean directly. Neither were considered feasible – locks to climb a pauvre-surveyed 10m sea-level difference, or continuous dredging of the Nile, would both be equally financially prohibitive. Fifty years passed before the unlikeliness of Le Père’s survey finding was challenged and a French Compagnie Universelle du Canal Maritime de Suez obtained a 99-year concession from the Khedive of Egypt, Said Pasha, to construct and operate a canal from the Red Sea to the Mediterranean, much against the will of the Ottoman Sultan, Abdulmecid I (the Pasha’s nominal overlord), and the wishes of the (Irish) British prime minister, Lord Palmerston. The year was 1859, the very number of this race (planning, dear boy, planning!), which, despite the canal’s double-super-tanker gauge and lack of locks, is strictly prohibited IRL. 85nm in Fareast 28Rs to complete your circumnavigation of Africa!
Race #1859
INFOby brainaid.de
Fareast 28R PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: SYC - ABS
Race starts: Nov 12th 17:00 Registration will open soon
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Round Hong Kong TIMED Race 2025

This month’s TIMED race takes us to the hectic, bustling sea lanes of the South China Sea for a 118 nm race beginning and ending in Hong Kong rounding several of the 260 nearby islands along the way. The boat for this race is the South African built Cape 31. This is a TIMEDrace so you may RE-REGISTER HEREto try again after finishing a run. You will have 13 days and 11 hours to test your skill and decision making after the race opens.
Race #1964
INFOby brainaid.de
Cape 31 Particulars
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking:
TRQ4 - TRCH - SUPSOL - SYC
RACE CLOSE: Saturday,
22 November at 23:00 UTC
Race starts: Nov 09th 12:00 Registration Closed
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Red Eye - Frisian Isles Trophy 2025

For our final “Red Eye” race, we invite you to cross the Noord Zee to the Wadden Zee, where a 160nm course around a few sandy islands raced on SOL only once before in 2010 awaits you. We don’t have a replica of Erskine Childers’ Dulcibella in our boathouse, and in any case if we took her out, we might well contract more than one “Red Eye”, so instead we’ll race our very own riddle of the sands in Farr 400s!
Race #1848
INFOby brainaid.de
Farr 400 PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: SYC - RED

RACE CLOSE: Tuesday,
November 11 at 2300 UTC.
Race starts: Nov 05th 12:00 Registration Closed
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Fernando de Noronha to Faroe 2025

The RWW Series concludes with a spectacular journey from Fernando de Noronha to the Faroe Islands, a legendary destination in the wild North Atlantic. Panning 4,100 nautical miles, this leg will be a true test of endurance, strategy, and sheer determination. Also the penultimate leg of the 2025 Ocean Championship, it’s your chance to prove your mettle against the sea, the wind, and yourself. We’ll be racing aboard the Ragamuffin 100, a vessel built for speed and challenge — demanding planning, precision and grit from every sailor on deck. Do you have what it takes to master the Northern Atlantic?.
PRIZE: SMPF
Race #1960
INFO by brainaid.de
Ragamuffin 100 PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: RWW - OCQ4 - OCCH - SUPSOL - SYC
Race starts: Nov 03rd 11:00 Registration Open!
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Sinbad by Balloon 2025 - Carnarvon to Dondra


From here, our home in Bharatavarṣa is now north west of us – said Sinbad to his fellow balloonists. Perhaps we can ride the wind first further north, and then catch the winds that every year bring the rain, perhaps not. It’s 2600nm and we could be aloft awhile, so, Master el-Quarters, victuals only, no sandbags, provisioning the giant hamper. It will be not a picnic!
Race #1886
INFOby brainaid.de
SOL Balloon PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: SYC - SBB
Race starts: Oct 15th 11:00 Registration Closed
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Go to race archive

SYC Ranking

  1. Sailonline Yacht Club Member KaSToR
  2. Sailonline Yacht Club Member CriticalHippo
  3. Sailonline Yacht Club Member WRmirekd
  4. Sailonline Yacht Club Member vida
  5. Sailonline Yacht Club Member rafa
  6. Sailonline Yacht Club Member CollegeFund
  7. Sailonline Yacht Club Member Panpyc
  8. Sailonline Yacht Club Member BRENTGRAY
  9. Sailonline Yacht Club Member Sax747
  10. Sailonline Yacht Club Member Kipper1258

View full list

Series

Mobile Client

SYC members have the benefit of access to our mobile/lightweight web client!

The mobile client