Facebook

Login

Support Sailonline

If you haven't already - join the SAILONLINE YACHT CLUB!

Please also consider making a donation - all amounts are greatly appreciated!

Board » General Discussion » The Modern Navy

Posted by
Rod


Users avatar

Posts
392
Registered at
2010-06-24 22:30:48
2013-07-18 19:13:56 - The Modern Navy
Nelson at Trafalgar.


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."


Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry Sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's
sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."


Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."


Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."


Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."


Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"


Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."




If it breaks, it's not strong enough--if it doesn't, it's too heavy.
Posted by
LaoziSailor (Han Tacoma-Emons)


Users avatar

Posts
52
Registered at
2011-11-10 00:57:48
2013-07-19 14:01:01 - Re: The Modern Navy
Brilliant!, I've shared it on my FB timeline giving you credit in the form "Tx R."
LaoziSailor

Everything gets done by not doing anything!
Posted by
Sebensa


Users avatar

Posts
70
Registered at
2010-10-06 14:50:36
2013-07-19 18:15:24 - Re: The Modern Navy
Rod! what can I say :-)

Please login to post a reply.

Races

Next Race: 00d 00h 00m

Current Races:

The British Isles Circumnavigation 2026


The British Isles Circumnavigation is here! Inviting skippers to take on an epic 1,720nm clockwise voyage around Britain and Ireland! Starting and finishing in Cowes, the course passes some of the most iconic landmarks in offshore sailing, including Fastnet Rock, Tearaght Lighthouse, Black Rock, St. Kilda and Muckle Flugga before the long run home. Racing in our fast and versatile TP52, this Super-Buddy Championship race will reward smart routing, changing weather strategy and sustained concentration over every mile. Good luck!
Race #2052
INFO by brainaid.de
TP-52 PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: SUPBUD - SYC
Race starts: Aug 09th 10:00 Registration Open!
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

SSANZ Triple Series 2026 - Race 2

Welcome back to race two of the SSANZ Triple Series—it's time for the Lewmar 100! Our dynamic fleet of Young 88s returns for another exhilarating 65 nautical mile battle across the stunning waters off Auckland, New Zealand. Once again, our skilled Sailonline racers will test their strategic minds and endurance. With intense competition, shifting conditions, and plenty of tactical decision-making, this race promises high-energy sailing and edge-of-your-seat excitement from start to finish!
Race #2047
INFO by brainaid.de
Young 88 PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: SSANZ - SUPBUD - SYC
RACE CLOSE: Friday,
August 14 at 2300 UTC.
Race starts: Aug 08th 21:15 Registration Closed
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Lake Vättern PYOC 2026


Back in 2013, longstanding SOLer Musigny and his friend xthyra invited us for a three race tour of beautiful Lake Vättern in the heart of southern Sweden. After many years, we return there for a quick sprint from a start in front of the village of Brandstorp, either way around Visingso island in the middle of the lake, but PORT HAND ROUND a buoy off the Granna piers on the eastern shore and back, once again avoiding Visingso as best you can. At least 20nm in trusty Scandinavian 11m One Designs; good luck!
Race #2046
INFO by brainaid.de
11m OD PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: SPQ3 - SPCH - SYC
RACE CLOSE: Wednesday,
August 12 at 2300 UTC.
Race starts: Aug 08th 21:00 Registration Closed
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Easter Island to Tristan da Cunha 2026

Welcome to the second leg of our RNW series, rounding Cape Horn. This middle-most leg Round the New World, from Easter Island to Tristan da Cunha, is also part of our Ocean Championship, and as such the second race of OCQ3 2026. This race, like the previous race in the RNW series, will be sailed in our revised 'version 2' Imoca 60 Foil. Race #2050
INFO by brainaid.de
Imoca 60 Foil v2 PARTICULARS
WX Updates:
0430 / 1030 / 1630 / 2230
Ranking: OCQ3 - RNW - OCCH - SYC
Race starts: Aug 03rd 11:00 Registration Closed
▶ Flash
GO TO RACE

Go to race archive

SYC Ranking

  1. Sailonline Yacht Club Member KaSToR
  2. Sailonline Yacht Club Member CriticalHippo
  3. Sailonline Yacht Club Member WRmirekd
  4. Sailonline Yacht Club Member Panpyc
  5. Sailonline Yacht Club Member rafa
  6. Sailonline Yacht Club Member cdhinman
  7. Sailonline Yacht Club Member rthinman
  8. Sailonline Yacht Club Member ms0689
  9. Sailonline Yacht Club Member BRENTGRAY
  10. Sailonline Yacht Club Member Sax747

View full list

Series

Mobile Client

SYC members have the benefit of access to our mobile/lightweight web client!

The mobile client